Men's Circles: A Place For Men to be Truly Authentic
Growing, learning, and improving is a constant process, and we know that if we want to do it successfully, we need to show up with our full, authentic selves. Addressing the underlying problems that lead to bad behavior requires that we take stock of our fears, motivations, biases, and interests.
But what happens when you feel like you can’t be your true self?
It’s a problem a lot of men face, especially men in the United States and many other Western cultures. Those cultures define masculinity in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable sharing vulnerability, sadness, or tenderness.
Mental health professionals call it “normative male alexythimia,” and it turns out there may be a causal link between men who feel unable to express the full range of their emotions, men’s abilities to form non-romantic friendships with each other, and men’s mental health.
That’s where men’s circles come in. We’ve talked about women’s circles here before, and there is a lot of overlap between the two, but there are also some key distinctions. First, let’s talk about how they’re similar:
Men’s circles have a flat hierarchy.
There’s no need to have a board of directors with officers to organize and run your men’s group. The bulk of a meeting is usually open sharing, so a hierarchy is unnecessary, these are your peers, your moai. You might find it helpful to have a facilitator, but they’re not really a boss - they’re just there to guide the group.
Men’s circles are confidential.
Like women’s circles, men’s groups talk about hard topics and emotions that its members might not want to be shared outside of the group. That’s why men’s groups maintain confidentiality. It fosters greater openness and authenticity, which in turn leads to strong bonds among the members.
Men’s circles are meant to help members grow and learn.
By sharing and connecting with each other, members of a men’s group develop honest relationships, hold each other accountable, explore new ideas, and reinforce existing strengths. We think that men’s group, because of the need for accountability and strong relationships would love the MyMoai app.
But men’s circles have some key differences, too, and part of that comes from the different issues facing men and women in the world. It can be tricky addressing these issues without wandering into biological essentialism or pop-science evolutionary biology, but many of us do live in a culture that treats men and women differently and puts different pressures on them.
Some of these differences affect how we interact with each other. For many men, they are responding to social pressure and conditioning when they wall themselves off and refuse to express certain emotions. Men’s groups give them a safe space to express those emotions that everybody feels, to be vulnerable without worrying that it could open them up to harm later, and to connect with other men who are doing the same thing.
It’s a powerful experience.
It’s also a great way for many men to explore emotional and mental health in a setting they find more palatable. Men are significantly less likely than women are to seek out therapy in a one-on-one setting. In a men’s group, they can explore different schools of thought surrounding emotional and mental health, learn coping skills, and build bonds.
If you’re interested in joining a men’s circle yourself, we recommend checking out The ManKind Project, a group that’s been around for over 33 years and has chapters in more than two dozen countries. A newer organization, Evryman, focuses on developing retreats and technologies to support men, in addition to facilitating the development of locally-based men’s groups.
Have you been involved in a men’s circle? How did your experience line up with your expectations? We’d love to hear from you in the comments below.